what am i here for... honestly....

reading: "pretties" by: scott westerfeld

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Tonight I went to watch a movie with my mom & my sister, Jennifer. The movie... Julie & Julia. Based on two true stories. Both about 2 women who just don't quite fit in and how they find themselves and what they're here for through cooking.

It got me thinking. Here I am a radio "on air personality." I have a job that just about everyone when they hear what I do have the initial response of "I always wanted to do that. It sounds like so much fun." and it is... sometimes.

But at times I can't help but feel like I just don't belong.

All my life I've wanted to work in music somehow. Most of it my dreams have been to behind a board making other people's records sounds amazing. But i've come to terms with the fact that when it comes to running a studio console... i stink! :) But my passion for editing hasn't diminished an ounce. In fact I think it's only gotten stronger. I feel this is where I'm meant to be.

But then there's another part of me that still feels like I'm meant to do something else. I love to read. I would LOVE to have a job where I got paid to read. To write. Another passion. But not one that I'm too confident about. I just don't think my writing is as compelling as others.

And then there's "teaching" in a sense. I don't mean in front of a class helping people understand math or science problems. Though I did thoroughly enjoy science in school. I mean helping people to be ok with themselves.

I believe there's a reason God allowed the things in my past to happen. My testimony can reach so many people. I've seen it. I've been approached about speaking for a group. But my stage freight is holding me back from accepting. Yet there is this nagging feeling in my heart that I need to do this. That something I say can help to save someone's life. To help someone overcome something in their life that they deal with in an dark, empty, lonely space of their minds.

I know what it's like to live behind closed doors with so many people so close and to put on a "show" if you will for everyone. Trying to pretend you're exactly who everyone expects you to be. Then going home, locking yourself inside your mind and being who you really are. Not knowing how to show that side of you to anyone.

It's a sad lonely world. One that no one should ever have to go through. But I don't know how to break out of my shell and just "get over" my stage freight. I would say "one step at a time" to myself if i was trying to give myself a pep talk. But everyone knows that things are easier said than done. So I'm going to recruit you. I need you to be my drill sergeant. Hold me to it. Force me to make the steps that i need to. I might save a life with what i have to do. But you... you will save mine.

- Stacey -