The Silver Lining

listening to: Rascal Flatts "What Hurts The Most"
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Out of the hardest times God comes shining his light.

I've had a horrible day that started out fantastic. In a nut shell... they call it a crush for a reason.

I spent most of the night in tears... feeling sorry for myself. I locked myself in my room with a bag of microwave popcorn, a mug of hot tea and Jane Austen (My favorite author in case you didn't know that). Then i got the urge to check on something. My eyes, my head and my heart I have come to find out are cahoots and are out to drive me insane. I wanted so badly to get the answers i was looking for that I actually thought I saw todays date when I was just seeing things.

So I called Natalie in tears. surprise surprise. I was about to give up ALL hope until I surfed over to one of my favorite websites. http://www.starfieldonline.com - Yeah I know eyes are rolling and some of you are making the 'throwing up' motions. But before you get too out of hand... There was a new video up. So I watched it and began to feel a little better... but still confused.

So then I checked to see if there was a new journal. Yep. And from Jon nonetheless. As I read something caught my eye. Jon has a girlfriend now. He is happy. Her name is Jesse. They've been together for 6 months now and he's taking her home to Winnepeg to meet his family.

I know I know... I'm supposed to be over that. And I am... to an extent. I think I will always have a bit of a crush on Jon. But my feelings have changed. And I mean that honestly. They changed a while ago. Suddenly I found myself feeling better. Like maybe God was telling me "Stacey. Jon was not the one I wanted for you. You know that now and I want you to focus on me and what I want for you. I want you hope for things. But you need to learn to trust me. When you master this I will reward you."

God has brought this "crush" into my life for a reason. I'm not saying he's 'the one'... though that would be SWEET! But this morning my friend, Hannah asked me if things don't work out with this guy I like would I go back to the way I felt for Jon. And I answered honestly. I told her that I think I will always have a thing for him but that once I start to fall I'll remember that I never had a chance and then he'll be pushed to the back of my mind again. I know.. it's happened. There are 2 other guys besides Jon in my past that I will never fully get over. But the more I thought about it. I noticed that when I liked let's call him "#1" (since they may read this since I'm still friends with the both of them) it was strong and... well... a childhood crush... then I met "#2" and "#1" became less desireable in my eyes though I never fully could let go.

Then Jon came along. I had nearly forgot about both of the other 2. But never fully. They were always there still... just waiting to resurface just long enough for me to remember why I had 'moved on'. Now... I have met this man. And almost instantly Jon joined the other guys in the dark corners of my mind. My head and my heart have been filled with nothing but images and dreams... hopes... hurt... since I met him.

Not even when "#2" just happened to 'pop up' out of the blue the other day did this man leave my mind. I'm not sure what God is asking of me. Why this man has come into my life. All I know... is he has. And he's worth the risk 1,000 times over.

You never know until you try. Right?