O' Child

listening to: "O' Child" by: Nevertheless
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Ok so you may know already that my mind doesn't work like "normal" peoples.... in my mind when you feel something for someone you need to do things like stare at a picturea of the two of you until your eyes sting from not blinking.

I just don't hve the attention span for that. Nor do I have the time :). My mind just simply won't allow it. When you have as many thoughts as I do you just know it's impossible and honestly... how many people do that in real life?

So yeah... couldn't sleep last night. I know... BIG surprise. But the whole Tennessee move has been heavy on my mind lately. I've been sayinf for the past... no joke... 16 years that I'm going. But it didn't really hit me until I rolled over in hopes of leaving some thoughts behind on the abandoned pillor when I noticed a picture that usually hangs stragetically in eyesight next to my pillow like an angel watching over me as I sleep was packed away.

I never realized how much that one picture had been such a comfort in the past few months. It makes me miss Matt more than I have in a long time since he died. I wish he were here. He would have been so proud. He always knew I would go one day. He never doubted that from the day I met him until the day he couldn't fight the cancer anymore.

I think about him often. Mostly in times like this when I know he'd be right there being the supportive best friend he always was. Which I know in my heard is just his way of telling me... that he is. Sometimes I find myself talking to him outloud, sometimes in my head. And it's almost like I can hear him laughing at me when I do or say soemthing completely random.

There is no way to go back and change what happened. But I know. God knows. Matt knows. That if I could, I would trade places with Matt. So that he could live a full life.

But then again.... He did.

I miss you, Matt!
- Stacey-