The search is over!!

listening to: "Darl'n" by: Between The Trees (thanks Sara!)
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So I did it. I finally found Matt's grave. Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive of me with this issue over the years. Jennifer helped me find it. She even took time out of her schedule to go with me when I went to say goodbye. Only problem is that we didn't find it at the cemetary. Whoever thought up the idea to have flat gravestones so that you could mow OVER them and cover them up was obviously not thinking from my perspective.

But I got a hold of the Cemetery a few days later and they posted a flag to mark it for me. So Natalie went with me that day. I parked my car EXACTLY where I parked it when Jennifer and I went. Matt was directly to my left.

I was ok until I could actually read his name. Then I lost it. Nat was such a good friend for just letting me have my cry and say my goodbye 15 years late. We had to of been there for a half hour or so. I just sat there talking to him and brushing the grass from his headstone.

I made it. It just took me a while. I wish that I would been able to go to the funeral. But there had to be some reason I couldn't. I wish I would have been able to find his grave years ago. But having a best friend die at 12 was hard enough. I honestly don't think I would have been able to handle it the way that I had the other day.

God has a reason for everything. I found it. That's all I needed. God understands how much that means to me and know that I understand that Matt isn't really there... just his body is. I still have my moments. But dealing with this for as long as I have and on my own makes me know that I will ALWAYS have moments. I accept that. But I feel more at ease with myself and Matt's death now.

I wish you would have known him. You would have loved him. He was a great friend. He would have been happy to accept you as his friend. He would have been proud of who I am. He always knew that I was going to achieve my dream of working in the music industry. He knew I was going to move to Tennessee one day. He had faith. He gave me faith.

The anniversary of his death is next month. I can't believe it's been 15 years. I miss him. But I always will. He knows I'll be back. This time I'm going to take him flowers.