I think it's time...

Ok now I’m about to do something COMPLETELY out of character. But it’s gone one FAR too long and I’ve been ‘passive’ about it for longer than I should have. I guess I’m just not as strong as she is…

To the one person who insists that he has moved on and is showing no TRUE signs… YOU BROKE UP WITH HER! MOVE ON! Just let it go and quit blaming me for the way you treated her! I never once told her what she could and couldn’t do. I never once made her feel guilty for spending time with someone other than me. I never started fights with her because she wanted to do something with her life that didn’t involve me.

I want you to know that she is happier than I have EVER seen when she was with you. So leave us both alone. Now we both appreciate that you have been leaving her alone. But when she said “Me, My friends and My family… that included me nimrod!”

So the comment you posted the other day has been deleted because I prefer to never have any contact with you ever again. You not only treated her like she was nothing… but it was almost like you tried to convince her that all of her friends and family were the worlds worst… everything… So that YOU would look better in her eyes.

And the most important thing I need to say… I’ve been praying for you. Yes I said that right. So has she. The bible reads “You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

It’s in Matthew 5: 43 – 48. Look it up. Don’t preach what you don’t know. I may not be the best of Christians… but a struggling Christian… and an active one at that… is far better than one who you wouldn’t even know believes. I will continue to pray for you wether you like it or not... God said it. I beleive it. That settles it.

Humble Jobs

Today while at my 2nd job that I don’t really enjoy… It was brought to my attention why God put me there. I’m sure you by now are familiar with the saying “There’s a reason for everything.” Well there is. No the reason I have that job is not to pay the bills – though always a plus. It’s to make me humble. To remind me that not everyone loves what they do. I didn’t realize how ‘out of touch’ with myself and God I have become. Which in itself is crazy since at the radio station I literally work for the guy. It’s so easy to get ‘caught up’ in the smiles you can give others and miss the real reason they are smiling. I never thought I’d say it… Thank you, Lord… For this humbling job. And for slim jims when my keys get locked in my car – more on that later.

My Brithday...

Tonight was quite an interesting evening. I went out to dinner with my mom...

my sister & her husband...

And Natalie... OF COURSE....

We went to dinner at Shang Hai Ichiban. VERY good food! If you get the chance... go! You have the option of sitting in the chinese side or the japanese side... The japanese side is when you get the show of the Habatchi style. I even caught a piece of shrimp when the chef guy flung it at me... ok so he flung 2 and the first bounced off my nose and hit my right ear... but I caught the second!!! :)

We had a blast and a half as you can tell...

At one point during the night Natalie asked me if I got what I wanted for my brithday. Well.. in all honesty... yes and no.

I wanted to go to Ichiban... I did.

I wanted a certain cd... she looked into it already but the availability of it is slim to zip. Yeah it's REALLY hard to find.

The only other thing I wanted is something between myself and God. That's something only he can give.... I have not received it yet... But I'm praying for it. :)

Hey 2 out of 3... sort of... cause Nat couldn't get the cd... isn't bad right?

Anyway... I leave you with more pictures. :)



oh and no I don't drink... drinking is bad for you. That was like a juice I think. There was no carbonation or anything so it couldn't have been pop. It really honestly tasted like juice.

Sad Birthday...

ok so I know that today is supposed to be one of the happiest days of the year for me... but after the night I had last night... I think I need to blog about something a little sad...

I spent most of the night in tears alone. Natalie, Leslie & my mom were a huge help in calming me down and making me feel better. But all in all the feelings were still there. I just have to face the fact that sometimes you just have a bad day.

So on that note I thought I'd share the lyrics to a song I came across last night by one of my favorite bands, Nevertheless. (Yes they really spell it all smushed together like that) The song as sad as the first 3/4 of it are it really helped my mood. So I encourage you to listen to this song and/or re-read the lyrics when you have a night like I did. Check back later beacause if today is better than last night I will be sure to update.

Once again you compramised
There's no life in your hopeless eyes
But it's just like yesterday
If you listen to what they say

And you feel hopeless
And you feel lost
And you feel hopeless
And you feel lost

And you're tired of playing the fool
All your tears could form a pool
Of heartbreak and hopelessness
You heed this life, life over rest

And you feel hopeless
And you feel lost
And you feel hopeless
And you feel lost

Open your eyes dear friend
See that this is not the end
cause there's a man before you lived
With a love and power to forgive

- "Sincerely" by: Nevertheless -

Then Life Throws You A Curveball

So imagine this...

You meet someone... Someone you just can't get off your mind as much as you try. This person gives you hope that someone could really care about you as a man and a woman should. But then you get scared when you realize you just met this person.

You go out with your best friend just because you can and feel the need to stop off at Starbucks and just chat. As you leave you suddenly notice that you're getting 'looks' from 2 good looking people in a nice car.

You laugh with your best friend as you think about this person you just met. Then all of a sudden you notice who the 'looker' was. It was that person you've been crushing on for the past 13 years. What do you do?

What goes through your mind?

You walk over and introduce your best friend and your co-worker who just came out of one of the nearby shops. You 'catch up'. Then they say something along the lines of 'give me a call. We should get together.'

You give them a hug good-bye and walk back to your car dumbfounded. You can't beleive that after all these years they are FINALLY showing some interest.

You take the opportunity to have a chance with this person... or do you??? Is this a test? This is the point when you need to ask yourself what God is telling you. Then the person you just met and can't seem to forget about creeps back into your mind.

Now more dumbfounded then ever you ask your best friend. "I've liked this person for 13 years now. NOW they start to show interest... So why am I still thinking about the one I just met?"

What do you do?

better than just a friend...

A while ago Natalie and I had quite the falling out... as many of you know. All I have to say is that it had something to do with another one of my best friends, Corey & I... and a lot of rumors. I vowed I would never trust her again for the things she had said and the way she had betrayed me.

Then after some time something was brought to my attention... something I overlooked. Something I think subconciously I was ignoring. I was given a lot of false information. It turned out she was looking at it from the same perspective around the same time. We forgave each other but I could already tell that our friendship would always have this... hole... It would never be complete... never be the same as it was before.

I knew we would always be leerey with what we let each other know.

It just came to my attention that without that "falling out" we would have never become the friends we are today. That "hole" has been filled... with God. I was right on the aspect of our friendship would never be the same... we are BETTER friends. Our friendship isn't based on similarities or taste in guys... anyone who knows us knows how much we disagree on those things... it's not our style in clothes... she's punk... I'm... not. It's not about the secrets... Our lives are more along the lines of 'what you see is what you get'. In fact... if you ask us what we're laughing about... We'll tell you. We might feel like idiots when we do. But we're not afraid to talk.

Trust me... we talk... A LOT! We laugh... A LOT! So much so that we have to remind ourselves to stop. :)

Our friendship is based on our relationship with God. We are each other's support. We attend church together on a regular basis. We remind each other if one of us forgets to pray at each meal or even throughout the day during random moments. And when one of us is praying... the other sits quietly and just allows the other to have thier moment with God.

We cry together. When we freak out cause the phone FINALLY rang. We rejoice together. And I mean the high pitched squeals... lots of hugging... kind of rejoicing. We never let each other forget what God has brought into our lives. There's no room for negative thoughts or doubt in our friendship. We just wont allow it. We encourage each other's dreams. We even do what we can to help each other pursue those dreams. As long as we beleive it's what God wants we make sure it happens and puts a smile on each other's face... which in turns makes the other one smile.

We always make sure that God is a part of everything we do. And if we mess up and he's not... we make sure to pause and find out how to turn it around so he is.

In fact. I've had a rough past few days... So today before I head to the station to cover the front desk... Nat is taking me to Family Christian. Just becasue she knows putting me in that store uplifts my spirits.

But the one thing I love most about us... besides the "God bridges the gap" dealie is... that we can be idiots around each other and know that the other one isn't going to think we really are... in fact... they'll be one right back. We just know when we can be idiots and then when it's time to supportive and silent.

Thanks Nat for being there for me! I love you little one!

Oh.. and STOP CRYING!!! lol

- Stacey -

Decoding Easter

Decoding Easter.

That was the subject of our sermon today at the church Nat & I attend on a regular basis. It, however, felt odd being the first time in my entire life not attending the Easter service at the church I grew up in. I wish I had been able to see my family. But I got to see them yesterday. I do not regret going to my new church. I am so glad that I had one of my absolute best friends at my side.

The pastor said so many things that I could talk about the sermon forever. But you just may get your "Stacey's talking again" fill for the next 2 years in one shot.

So just know this...

he told us that faith is like a parachute. There is a difference between believing and being convinced. When you go sky diving you BELIEVE that your parachute will open... BUT you haven't jumped out of the plane yet.

He told us that we need to take Easter with us everyday. That we can't let Easter be a "calendar" holiday. That the Easter story is with us in moments of temptation... In deaths... In births... And beyond.

We were reminded today that Easter started long before Jesus died on the cross and was resurrected. Easter started with the beginning of time.

See there was a gentleman painting a beautiful landscape throughout the service. Then the pastor took handfuls of black paint and created a streak diagonally across the painting. But as the service went on the painting progressed.

God took the destruction of our "blackened hands" upon the Garden of Eden (the landscape painting) and created something beautiful. He created a path for us. A path back to him. Jesus and the cross each and every one of us crucified him upon. Just because we weren't alive at that time doesn't mean that we didn't have a hand in his crucifixion. Because each and every time we sin we crucify him one more time.

Jesus died to save us all from sin. Not just those that witnessed his death. Not just those that threw stones. Each sin is one more stone.

I leave you with one last thought... The one thing he said that stuck out to me the most was "Rescue always comes in packages we never expect." For Christianity it was the package in the form a baby"

What is that package for you? It might be a bass player... It maybe a child of your own turning 1 year old... It may be niece... Or it may be and opportunity to work side by side with someone during a lighting set up at a show for one of your favorite bands.

Until next time..

And God said... Stacey I love you!

So much has happened to me in the past 48 hours that I can't put it all in one blog.

There just isn't enough time... and you'd probably get tired of reading... So I thought about summing it all up or posting it across a few days in a few different blogs...

I didn't like either...

Just know that all is well. I am no longer taking care of 'minor details' that people ask me about on a daily basis... and right at this moment. My stomach is in knots and I'm shaking.

No not because Nick & Travis made me do hard labor and lift heavy lights... It's a whole nother issue.

If I haven't lost you yet... YOU'VE GOT MAIL!

- Stacey -

answered prayers

Yes I said it... answered prayers. Last night God answered MANY of my prayers. Last night it became very apparent to my last night that I'm not truly happy. It honestly feel like Natalie all over again... only with me!

Nat, Leslie & I worked the road crew last night for the latest Kutless tour. Now don't ask me the name of the tour... I don't like Kutless so I honestly can't tell ya. But we had a blast and a half as you can tell.... We met a lot of really great people... 3 in particular... Nick, Travis & Chad. Chad worked the monitor board while Travis & Nick held down the lighting. We (the girls and I) worked side by side with Travis & Nick... I'd say... 70% of the night. The rest was us doing set changes and watching some of the show.

But anyway... yeah we had a lot of fun. All 3 guys kept joking around on us. Travis I think liked picking on us the most! hahaha He kept telling us we were "going to slow" or "hey what are you doing? That doesn't go there!" And then Chad told me as we were unloading the equipment from the truck that he was gonna stuff me in one of the drape bags and take me with them! hahaha

Nick was the most funny like when it came directed towards me. The girls... and the other girls we met were folding up the drapes to get them ready for thier "dramtic fall" and were laughing cause I wasn't strong enough cause one weight a whole lot more than me and I could hardly move it. So Nick came around the corner and goes "I hear a whole lot of laughing and not a whole lot of working!" and then just prior to the that as we were pulling out the drapes to fold them I was laughing about Chad's "take me with them" comment and Nick said something like "Yeah until you started talking"

All of the girls and Nick started laughing. I acted like I was pouting and stuff. But it was really funny. I told him I was gonna blog about it so I'd never forget it. I DID NICK! hahahaha

So yeah I'm trying to keep it short. I just wanted you to know how much fun we had and show some pics. Nat took more pics. We're just waiting for them to be developed. I LOVE MY DIGITAL!

Life... Death... And God's plan...

listening to : "The Grace" by: Neverendig White Lights
-----------------
Being so happy for someone can do two things to a heart... It can build up excitement of what might happen to you... Or it can break it in a million tiny sharp edged pieces....

I'm in the midst of both. I'm ecstatic for Natalie. I am. I see how happy she is and how happy I could be... Which of course makes me feel horrible because I have to decide how to make myself as happy as she is. But on the other hand it gets me all giddy knowing that she wants the same for me and would go out of her way to make sure I am. It's nothing against her... It's just this heart of mine.... It can't agree with my head half of the time. And when I think they do agree... Something happens and all I want to do is scream... Hide in my room and cry.

This stinks! But I can't really say that this is a horrible day... Natalie got some good news... And then from the same person... So did I.... At least I think it was good... I hope it was good... Just recently sat down with Nat and we really tried to just listen to God. I play this game sometimes where I open the bible and say a verse number... I just like to see what God is saying right at that moment. Well last night Nat joined in on the 'fun.'

A few verses spoke to us and others meant absolutely no sense when you just read the one verse by it's self. So we'd laugh and try again.

Well tonight I just got the urge to try once more...

Psalm 143:8 reads:

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I life up my soul."

Yep. Pretty powerful when you're trying to figure out what God has in store for you... You know so you don't mess up and take the wrong path.

But then it got me thinking... My mom said once "God let's you make your mistakes and keeps opening up a new path branched off of that mistake. He keeps holding out hope that one day you'll see that path and realize you should have been on that one all along."

I don't think she realizes just how much some of the things she says really stick with me. Like when Matt died... She told me "God loves us all very much and some of us he just can't take being apart from anymore. Matt was one of those people." Yeah... I was 12 years old. So to hear something like that... That's something I could have taken one of two ways... I could have thought "Well at least I know he's with God." Or I could have gone the other way and thought "Well then why am I still here? Doesn't God love me too?"

It's not that God doesn't love us... It's just that God isn't finished with us yet. Matt completed what God sent him to do. And I honestly believe that I was part of that. I know I wouldn't be the Christian I am today if I had never known Matt. Matt opened a lot of doors to me. He opened my eyes.... And my heart... Just by being my friend.

In times like this... When I am having a hard time coming to reality that this may be what God wants... I remember Matt and what my mom told me.

Matt was just on loan out... He was and always will be my guardian Angel.

I miss you Matt and I need your help.

- Stacey -

Taking a risk...

Well as of 8:28 pm I have not told Jon anything. However, earlier Natalie and I made a deal. She is trying to help me to be more of a 'risk taker' and she sat with me while I wrote out my first draft of what I want to say.

It was truly heart felt and competely honest. This is just another step in the direction of becoming the type of person who does take risks. As I write this I am starting to 'cool down.' My heart is racing. And for the first time I am litterally warm. Me. Yeah. Crazy I know.

But I pray that with a little encouragement (not that I need anymore) and God's loving hand... that I may have enough courage to follow through with this. I'm really scared. I'm not used to taking chances. I'm not used to 'putting myself out there.' Taking risks has never been a part of who I am. Playing in mud... running around in the rain... getting dirt under my nails (even though it gets dug out quickly afterwards) sure... but never anything like this. That's nothing. I grew up a tomboy. I didn't grow up to be like my mom.

Mom isn't someone who's afraid of a lot of things. I'm emotional... I hate that about myself. But I have learned that will never change. But I'm taking baby steps. This is just one more.

Thank you for all of your support. I want so bad to take this chance. I want to not be afraid anymore.

- Stacey -

Perfection - Not My Thing

I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes. I've done things in my past. Bad things. Things that I wish to not talk about. Things I can't take back. But I can learn from them. I can face them. I can grow from them. And best of all... I can help other's learn from them.

One thing is that today I bought a ring. I know big deal. But it's what the ring represents. Inscribed on the ring are the words "True Love Waits." Yep it's one of 'those' rings. I've wanted a "True Love Waits" ring for quite some time. So from today at this exact moment until the day I wed. I will wear this ring on my ring finger on my left hand.

I haven't realized how the choices I've made have made me fall away from God. At this moment I have decided that I need to rededicate my life to him. I need to get rid of those distractions. I need to focus on the one thing that matters most... God.

It has become abundantly apparent to me by a certain family (you know who you are) that I am a role model - especially to one certain girl. She looks up to me so much that she even wants to take my job from me. :) I must have trained you well young one. ;) hahaha

I don't want her to make the same mistakes. I don't want Kendra, Emmalee, Joslynn or anyone else for that matter to make those same mistakes.

That's why I am writing this. To come clean with my past and to let them know I'm not perfect. I don't want to be false and tell you that you should live a certain way & to live your life for God, when I can't even do it myself. So for you, for God, for myself, I am taking a stand and changing those things about myself. From this moment on I will try to be the role model you see me as.

And with that... I am also making strides toward telling... *takes a deep breath out of fear* JON NEUFELD... *sighs knowing that just saying his name was a HUGE step since he might read this one day*. There. I said his name. No longer will Jon be "him" in my blog. No longer will he remain nameless. Because Jon is somebody. He's that 'Somebody' that all of my friends know I have feelings for. He's that 'Somebody' that I get nervous when I see I get an e-mail from or look into his eyes.

And too all of you who are saying something along the lines of "FINALLY!" - You have Hannah, Natalie & Caleb to thank for that one.

OH! One more thing... I've decided to start adding the country to pray for courtesy of Mission Network News... today oddly enough is El Salvador. If you HONESTLY care to know why this freaks me out... contact me. If not... you probably would get bored or roll your eyes anyway. hahaha But seriously please pray for El Salvador today until the 8th.

- Stacey -

dreams....

So last night I had a dream about the infamous "him." I don't remember the dream. All I can remember is that Natalie and her "him" were there. I don't remember what they were doing or anything. But that they were there. I remember that "He" was defending me. We were in the hallway in a building... could have been a school, house, church... but I was cowering behind him as he stood up to this person or thing.. not sure what 'it' was. I remember feeling more afraid of what this 'thing' would do to him than to myself.

I talked to Nat about this dream and her reply... "maybe it was him defending you from the devil or something.and it's a sign that he'll save you from something" Only she used his real name of course.

Now I know most of you know EXACTLY who I am talking about. But I fear that one day 'he' will happen upon this blog... this post... and be afraid of me. I am going to tell him how I feel. I'm just not sure of how or when... I need God's help with it.

And yes I know about the minor technicalities at hand... but I'm working on those as well. All I can do right now is pray.

- Stacey -

God Speaks

Ok so today at church the pastor was talking about "Monsters." No I don't mean the like "Oh I'm scared of that noise in the closet" kind of Monster. I mean the "I'm afraid of the what if" kind of Monster. So it got me thinking. Why am I so afraid? He said "Fears are broken truths from a broken world." Why am I so afraid to open up? Why can't I just say what I feel?

Because I'm too afraid to open up where it really matters I thought maybe I should make baby steps and start out by saying some of that here. So here goes....

I am so afraid to actually follow through on the advice I give others on a daily basis. I'm afraid to open up and tell "him" I like him. I'm afraid to take a chance. I'm afraid of what might happen, what he might say, how he might react.

Forget snakes, spiders, & clowns... I am so afraid of him in general. Since I met him all I've been thinking is "what if." "What if he rejects me?" "What if I get let down?" "What if he doesn't even really notice me?"

But then I thought... why do I have these thoughts? Why is he on my mind? I have a boyfriend. One who loves me. Luke 1:37 states "For nothing is impossible with God." If the bible says it. And I truly beleive... why can't I trust God to take me through this and guide me on the right path?

Then the pastor said a couple things that truly hit home. He asked the congregation "Are you going to be able to your storms how big God is and not how big your storms are?" "What is the monster in your life these days? What are you afraid of popping up and attacking you?" "Imagine your worst fears coming true and what they would do to your life."

He is my fear. My one true... honest... Monster in my closet... stomach turning... heat pounding... i'm gonna be sick... fear.

Alright. I'm done. I promise.

- Stacey -