Life... Death... And God's plan...

listening to : "The Grace" by: Neverendig White Lights
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Being so happy for someone can do two things to a heart... It can build up excitement of what might happen to you... Or it can break it in a million tiny sharp edged pieces....

I'm in the midst of both. I'm ecstatic for Natalie. I am. I see how happy she is and how happy I could be... Which of course makes me feel horrible because I have to decide how to make myself as happy as she is. But on the other hand it gets me all giddy knowing that she wants the same for me and would go out of her way to make sure I am. It's nothing against her... It's just this heart of mine.... It can't agree with my head half of the time. And when I think they do agree... Something happens and all I want to do is scream... Hide in my room and cry.

This stinks! But I can't really say that this is a horrible day... Natalie got some good news... And then from the same person... So did I.... At least I think it was good... I hope it was good... Just recently sat down with Nat and we really tried to just listen to God. I play this game sometimes where I open the bible and say a verse number... I just like to see what God is saying right at that moment. Well last night Nat joined in on the 'fun.'

A few verses spoke to us and others meant absolutely no sense when you just read the one verse by it's self. So we'd laugh and try again.

Well tonight I just got the urge to try once more...

Psalm 143:8 reads:

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I life up my soul."

Yep. Pretty powerful when you're trying to figure out what God has in store for you... You know so you don't mess up and take the wrong path.

But then it got me thinking... My mom said once "God let's you make your mistakes and keeps opening up a new path branched off of that mistake. He keeps holding out hope that one day you'll see that path and realize you should have been on that one all along."

I don't think she realizes just how much some of the things she says really stick with me. Like when Matt died... She told me "God loves us all very much and some of us he just can't take being apart from anymore. Matt was one of those people." Yeah... I was 12 years old. So to hear something like that... That's something I could have taken one of two ways... I could have thought "Well at least I know he's with God." Or I could have gone the other way and thought "Well then why am I still here? Doesn't God love me too?"

It's not that God doesn't love us... It's just that God isn't finished with us yet. Matt completed what God sent him to do. And I honestly believe that I was part of that. I know I wouldn't be the Christian I am today if I had never known Matt. Matt opened a lot of doors to me. He opened my eyes.... And my heart... Just by being my friend.

In times like this... When I am having a hard time coming to reality that this may be what God wants... I remember Matt and what my mom told me.

Matt was just on loan out... He was and always will be my guardian Angel.

I miss you Matt and I need your help.

- Stacey -