Just wait...

listening to "Julia" by Our Lady Peace
****************************
To wait...

Just wait....

Love will find you....

Let it all happen in it's own time...

I've been told over and over my entire life. But when will "wait" end? Do I have to wait until the day that God calls me home. I just want to find him. I want to be with him. I know I'm only 24 years old. But those who say "you're only 24. You're so young. You have your whole life ahead of you." I just want to punch them in the face.

Yeah I mean that.

I know it's not very Christian of me. I know it's really violent. And I don't like it. But I openly admit that when I hear that... that is EXACTLY what goes through my head. Followed by "You have no idea what I feel. You say you do. But you don't. No one feels exactly the same things. So you can't say that. Why can't you see that? Just leave me alone!"

Why do I chase a dream that will never be? I need to accept that the feelings will not be returned. I could have been in a car accident yesterday. My plane could crash tomorrow. My heart could give out on me right now. And I would die "waiting".

I don't want to wait anymore.

I just want to be loved and love them back.

oh look! I posted!

Listening to: “Time” by: Nevertheless… yeah I know… Me? Listening to Nevertheless… like that ever happens! Hahahahaha
***************
So for the past few weeks I’ve been going though my “I feel ugly” phase that y’all know I fall into now and then. Well this one was really bad for some reason. I’ve had some “Family issues” lately but I don’t think that was it. But then on top of it I’ve been really worn out from Old Navy, The hotel AND the band.

But one thing that really helped is that I went to see “my guys” last night. Stephanie (who moved into the house last Tuesday by the way) and I drove down to Chatty to go watch the Nevertheless guys. It was so great to see them! They were surprised (again) to see me for some reason.

Did they honestly think I wouldn’t have been there??? Insanity!

So yeah… we hung out with the guys (obviously), got some really great shot, got great videos, and then went to The Waffle House for the first time in my life.

It was interesting. We sat at 3 different tables… Katie, Wann, Brad & Megan at one. Pearson, Megan (another one), and two guys that I forgot their names at another. While Stephanie, Rowe, AJ and I shared the last one.

Yeah… lots of interesting conversations there… I mean it’s insanity enough when it’s AJ & I… or Rowe and I… or even AJ & Rowe… but you get the 3 of us together in the same conversation… yeah… insanity! But oh no! That wasn’t the half of it… because you get Stephanie and I in the same conversation and that’s a whole other story… but we had all 4 of us in one! That was… interesting… that’s all I have to say about that! Lol

But it was a great show! They played “False Starts” which they haven’t played in a really long time on stage cause someone wanted to hear it and… well… they could.

But the best part was when they did a “second encore” and played “O Child”. Yeah Leslie! You missed O’ Child!!! It was AWESOME! They had never played that on stage… EVER!!! I love that song! AND they played “Losing Innocence” AND my absolute favorite NTL song… “It’s Me” MAN I LOVE THAT SONG!!!

If you want to see pics and/or videos from last night check out my you tube and/or my photobucket. Ok I’m done now. :D

- Stacey -

STACEY GOES CRAZY!............ part 2

Listening to: a whole lot of agents making reservations, typing… oh yeah and I have “Brotherhood” by Flatfoot 56. Stuck. In. My. Head.
*****************************
So yeah. Not a lot going on in The Busy World Of Stacey Scary. But in the same sense… yeah… a lot HAS been going on.

Oh where do I begin?

As you know I made the 10 hour drive along with Andrea & Wynnde to go surprise AJ, Pearson, Wann, Rowe, Brad, Matt, Jonathan & Cah-lay-leb in Louisiana. But what you may NOT know (because my blog is updating right now so I can’t re-read the last blog) is that I made more friends. WOOHOO! I made buddies with Tobin, Josh Robieson, Kyle, Justin (Flatfoot 56), Jonathan, & Josh Brown.

You have NO idea the insanity my life is in now! Lol

ALSO… I manage a band now…. But you knew that…

But yeah… what you DIDN’T know is that Stephanie is going to be our 4th roommate! WOOHOO! She’s moving in the first of December so that makes Wynnde, Andrea, Stephanie and myself VERY happy!

But that’s beside the point… I’m married…. Or at least that’s what Noah thinks. Hahahahaha I was at the Pillar show last night with the girls and Flatfoot. Well if you’ve ever seen Flatfoot you would know that Tobin is RRREEEAAALLLYYY tall. He’s like 7’2” compared to me!

Anyway…

I was talking to Noah’s wife, Lindsay about their new baby girl when Noah walked up behind Lindsay and Tobin behind me right as Noah was acting like he was going to beat me up. Now Noah’s arms are like 5 of me! So you think I’d be afraid!

NOPE!

I told him ‘you don’t wanna mess with these guns!’ as I flexed my lack of pistols. And then pointed to Tobin and said “I got this to back me up.” We started laughing because he really is a lot taller than I am. And then Noah says to Tobin “Is she your wife?” Tobin and I looked at each other and started laughing. So for the rest of the night we were joking about us being married and at one point he asked me when the date was and then said we were gonna have an Antelope Elopement cause he couldn’t get out the word “elope” hahahahahahahaha

Other than that… not much…

Oh but I quit Old Navy.

-k- bye.

SAVE ME! PLEASE!

Listening to: other agents talking on the phone.
**********************
So as you guessed… I’m at work. Yep. I am bored OUT OF MY MIND! I literally am averaging 1 call every 15 – 20 minutes.

Just got off the phone with one of the girls at Towne Park and she said that they’re just as bad. So now I’m sitting here waiting for Frank to tell me to go home so I can call Don to come get me before I fall asleep!

Oh! Don! Yeah! SURPRISE! NEW GUY IN MY LIFE! Actually it’s 4 new guys! Tee hee.

I am managing a band now. They’re called Shine Under. Living here in Nashville but born and raised in Allegan, MI. I work with two of the guys here at the hotel and it just was in God’s plan for the 3 of us to meet. Then Sean & Adam asked me to be their manager. I of course said yes and asked on of our “co-stars”, Stephanie to assist me in Merchandise.
WISE CHOICE!

Then they introduced Stephanie and I to Don. Don is a mechanic as well as the bands drummer. Right now he’s working on my car since It decided it wanted to start squealing and smoking at me 2 days before I was supposed to go visit Kendra for her 7th birthday.

I never made it home.

Well Don is still working on the car and has been nice enough to drive me to work and come pick me up. The guys are amazing! They’re so appreciative! They joke around about the fact that they can’t pay Stephanie and I and so we joke with them. For instance I told them that they could buy me this watch I had when I was 6. It was a ninja turtles watch that had all 4 of their heads on it and the logo.

I lost the watch a long time ago and I’ve been looking for a new one a lot over the past few years. Sean found it. The EXACT watch… ok not exact. The wrist band isn’t black plastic like mine was. But still! How sweet is that! They bought me this watch as a thank you and I was only kidding when I told them about it.

Things have been falling together really well and really fast when it comes to the band. I was really missing the industry, Stephanie wanted to work merch for someone and the guys wanted to tour… well… 2 out of three… check… we’re not going to do any bookings until we find a 4th member. So if any of you know of a guitar player in the Nashville area… LET ME KNOW! PLEASE!

Oh and the 4th guy in my life… Oscar… our mascot!... yeah... he's a dog.... litterally.

SWEET COOKIES! IT'S STACEY!

Listening to "I Love You" by: Under The Influence Of Giants
***********************
OK. So last night my roommates, Wynnde, Andrea & I drove 10 hours to Pennville, LA to surprise some friends of ours. We drove 8 hours to a hotel in Monroe, LA and then the other 2 hours the next morning. This in itself is something you should be proud of me for! Cause I HATE to drive and I drive the entire 10 hours!!! GO! ME!

Caleb, Matt & Jonathan knew that we were going to be there but we wanted to make sure it was a surprise for the rest of our friends. So kudos to them for keeping the secret. YOU GUYS ROCK!

The night was pretty interesting. We rolled up at about 11:30am to the venue and then Eleventyseven showed up about 5 minutes later. Wynnde and I went out to meet up with them and to get the merch table set up... not very story worthy... just the three of us joking around with Matt a lot. Then Neverthless arrived and after a bit AJ was the first to make his way to the merch tables. I was helping Matt hang a sign and had my sunglasses on. AJ saw me and said he thought that I looked familiar but it took a few seconds AFTER I said "You better not walk past me" for him to realize exactly who I was.

AJ & I went backstage to say hey to the rest of the band and he had the idea of my not telling them who I was. He told me to tell them that I was their merch volunteer and that my name was Amanda.... yeah I walked up to Pearson and said "Hi I'm your merch girl, Stacey." I'm a dork what can I say. But it took him a second to realize it was me. So mission accomplished there. Wann & Rowe... it didn't take long for them to know it was me. Brad on the other hand... sadly Brad and I don't talk much so I basically had to go over to him and tell him it was me.

Then Jonathan told me he had a confession to make. Now Jonathan is NEVER as serious as he was right then so I sat down next to him and listened to his confession... now because I love Jonathan to death I'm not about to tell what he said. But just know... it's nothing bad. He just had a case of "mistaken identity" if you will along with Caleb. But hey it was a compliment to the person they thought was someone else.

Wynnde and I were supposed to run the merch table for Eleventyseven. She went to go watch some friends perform since she had a lot of friends there while I watched the table and then when she was around I took off to hang with Nevertheless. Surprise Surprise. I tried to split my friendship time up equally... but it's hard when you've known Nevertheless for as long as I have and Eleventyseven is backstage. But I tried.

The food was gross according to Pearson. So I was a little iffy to try it. It didn't look to appetizing. So Jonathan & Caleb took my car to Wal-Mart and then Wann, Pearson & AJ called and asked them to bring back something to eat... which of course is the greatest meal for a band of 5 20-something year old guys... lunchables. HAHAHA

I went to go watch Nevertheless' set. They of course did amazing. Only problem was the PA system sucked and you could hardly hear the vocals. Wann said he was sick on top of it but you couldn't tell while he was on stage. So kudos to Kung Fu Wann!

When dinner rolled around I figured I should check it out since we were in Louisiana and they had Gumbo, Jumbalia, & Crawfish... yeah you try being in the middle of Louisiana and not attempt to at least TRY them! Well I tried... Pearson ended up eating it since I didn't even touch it. AJ of course couldn't eat the Crawfish since it was a like a fettuchini Alfredo dealie. So I went to McDonald's to get he and I some REAL food. But not before AJ pulled me up on stage with he, Wann, Flatfoot56, Eleventyseven (who was performing) and a bunch of other bands that I didn't know for the last performance.

Personally... I didn't belong up there. I'm not in a band. I'm just a friend of some of the guys who are. So I stayed to the side of the stage and let everyone else have their fun. But AJ wanted me to stage dive with everyone else. YEAH RIGHT! HAS HE SEEN ME? I WOULD GET KILLED! But then again... look at him... and he wanted to! hahaha

Matt asked for the "choir" to come off the wings of the stage to have a sing along and Wann & AJ told me to join them. Umm thanks guys. But I'm cool on the side of the stage thanks. I guess my fear of the spotlight kicked in right about then. Plus... I didn't want the fans to think that because I was up there that they all could be too. That would have been even more chaos than it was.

Well that's not even the best part! There were guys that stole Jonathan's overhead mics and were screaming into them along with Caleb. When Caleb threw himself on the ground to spin one of the Flatfoot56 guys started spinning him by the foot like the Wheel of Fortune... Wheel... yeah. And then at the end of the song the "choir" as Matt called us started running off with Jonathan's drum kit. The great part is that Jonathan never missed a beat. He followed symbol until it was gone and then got up off of his stool and ran off after his snare STILL playing it! It was a hoot!

After the show NTL had to head back to Tennessee (10 hours remember) and Eleventyseven had to make a 14 hour trip to North Carolina. So we said good-bye after good-bye and then parted ways. :( But then Andrea, Wynnde and I met up with the guys from Decemberadio & Day Of Fire (minus a Josh Brown) at IHOP for some arm wrestling and some REALLY tired spilling of EVERYTHING Stacey had on her mind! Oh yeah.. and we had food too.

Well.. I'm back in Nashville now. Safe and sound... sort of. I'm exhausted. But it was well worth the trip. I wouldn't have traded that trip for... almost... anything.

More from the Music City soon.
- Stacey -

I'M A STAR!... No really... I am!

listening to:.... umm..... nothing... that's odd!
***********************
Ok so incase I haven't already called or IM'd you...

I started work at the Hotel today. It was a lot of fun! We only had orientation today. But it was still a ton of fun! We took a small tour of Nashville and made a few important stops at the Grand Ole Opry, The Ryman & The Wildhorse Saloon.

So today ended up being QUITE the eventful day. With lunch at Rachel's inside the Hotel itself, Testing out some fried pickels at the Wild Horse Saloon, Line Dancing at the Wild Horse Saloon, Almost crushing a BMW & VW with our Bus at the Ryman, Touring the Grand Ole Opry, & Singing on stage at the Grand Ole Opry.

YEAH! I JUST SAID THAT!

ME!

Little miss "WaYfm Stacey"... "Stacey Ree".... "Stacey Bob".... SANG! ON STAGE! AT THE GRAND.... OLE... OPRY!

Ok so it's not like I sang for an audience with the lights or anything. It was Happy Birthday and in a group. BUT STILL!

HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN SAY THEY SANG ON THE GRAND OLE OPRY???

Ok I'm done now.

Just be proud of me and we'll call it good. hahaha

ROCK ON CROUTON!
- Stacey -

O' Child

listening to: "O' Child" by: Nevertheless
*************************
Ok so you may know already that my mind doesn't work like "normal" peoples.... in my mind when you feel something for someone you need to do things like stare at a picturea of the two of you until your eyes sting from not blinking.

I just don't hve the attention span for that. Nor do I have the time :). My mind just simply won't allow it. When you have as many thoughts as I do you just know it's impossible and honestly... how many people do that in real life?

So yeah... couldn't sleep last night. I know... BIG surprise. But the whole Tennessee move has been heavy on my mind lately. I've been sayinf for the past... no joke... 16 years that I'm going. But it didn't really hit me until I rolled over in hopes of leaving some thoughts behind on the abandoned pillor when I noticed a picture that usually hangs stragetically in eyesight next to my pillow like an angel watching over me as I sleep was packed away.

I never realized how much that one picture had been such a comfort in the past few months. It makes me miss Matt more than I have in a long time since he died. I wish he were here. He would have been so proud. He always knew I would go one day. He never doubted that from the day I met him until the day he couldn't fight the cancer anymore.

I think about him often. Mostly in times like this when I know he'd be right there being the supportive best friend he always was. Which I know in my heard is just his way of telling me... that he is. Sometimes I find myself talking to him outloud, sometimes in my head. And it's almost like I can hear him laughing at me when I do or say soemthing completely random.

There is no way to go back and change what happened. But I know. God knows. Matt knows. That if I could, I would trade places with Matt. So that he could live a full life.

But then again.... He did.

I miss you, Matt!
- Stacey-

FINALLY!!

listening to: "Time (To Let This Go)" by: Nevertheless
***************************************
Today is the day! I have been waiting for this day for the past 1 year.... ok it's been over a year now... BUT... YEAH! Nevertheless' cd is released TODAY! I don't think I have been more proud of them than I am at this very moment.

Let me just say that I HIGHLY recommend this cd to everyone. Give it a sample and I promise you will be as addicted as I am!

You cannot escape the love that is Nevertheless. hahaha

But yeah... Nevertheless "Live Like We're Alive" in stores TODAY!

better late than never...

listening to: the rain outside
*******************
ok so I know it's been a while since I've updated (all 5 of you) on what's going on in my life (cause it's not like I don't talk to you just everyday haha)

Well as you know my big move to Tennessee is only 18 days away. I'm getting really nervous. This is a big move and I just want to be sure that this is really what God wants in my life and that it's not just something I think He wants.

I talked to Wynnde today (like every other day haha) and she was at Shoutfest with my near and dear friends Caleb, Matt & Jonathan (Eleventyseven) along with Rowe, Wann, Pearson, AJ & Brad (Nevertheless). This of course depressed me cause I haven't seen them in months. I began to feel like a horrible friend since Wynnde sees them all the time and I don't.

I'm going to miss Nevertheless' cd release party by 9 days and that kills me. I feel like I should be there to show my support... which of course I know I don't need to show to them. If they haven't figured out by now how much I support them... they're some REALLY blind guys! :)

I did however get to talk to Rowe for a second so that was cool. And I heard Pearson in the background saying something. Wynnde told me that Matt told her to tell me hi but she had already hung up. I miss those guys. :( The only thing that would have made me want to be there more would have been if Lu (Story Side:B) and Katie & Brian (3:16) would have been there. If they were there then I would have been REALLY heart broken.

So anyway... talked to Wynnde for a bit after the gang parted and then when we hung up I tried to get some sleep... knowing it wasn't gonna happen. Well I was right. So after reading for a bit and then beating another level on The Legend of Zelda: Link To The Past... I decided to go for a drive.

So I did.

I just drove around town listening to Until June (Of course!) trying to clear my head. Which as you know is a non-stop, drama filled, chaos factory. But it must have done something to my mind cause about the time I was passing the old factory near my apartment I hit the curb. My mind drifted and I almost flipped my brand new (even though it's a used car) car.

So now I lay here in my room only lit by my computer screen listening to the rain outside and typing another random blog that is extremely long and probably not making any sense. Honestly. I don't remember half of what I wrote. I'll have to go back and read it.

Insomnia has become a part of my life...
- Stacey -

so you had a bad day...

listening to: "Sway" by: The Perishers
***********************
As most of you know I had one of the WORST days I've had in a long time. I spent most of the day crying to Wynnde about my chinese food that I spilled all down the front of me and didn't get to eat any of... the guy in the 15 passanger that tried killing me... or the exit I knew was there but missed cause I was too busy crying.

But then Wynnde did something that reminds me of why she is one of my best friends. So I go to dropp of my last two barrels for the Class Act Back Pack Drive at Lake Michigan Credit Unions around Grand Rapids with my chinese food covered WCSG polo and favorite jeans. My cell rings and I look down seeing the word "Pearson" staring back at me.

That in itself almost made me cry. Why is it that when you're at your worst the greatest things happen??? God is truly amazing. Anyway. So I'm having this horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day (Hey that's a book!) and then Pearson calls.

So we talked for a while and he was a sweet heart as usual. We talked about Amy. We talked about my moving and of course, my bad day. Basically he told me that they (being the Nevertheless guys) called just to say hey.

Well after I got off the phone I talked to Wynnde and she told me that she called Pearson cause she knew AJ's minutes were up for the month and that hearing from the guys would cheer me up. Pearson totally played dumb. He acted like he didn't know I was having this aweful day. He just let me vent.

I heart my friends. But my day is so much better now. Hearing from Pearson really helped. Wynnde knew it would. Wynnde really cared that I was having this aweful day and she tried to take some of the weight on herself so I wouldn't be so saddened by it. She also cheered me up a bit by telling me she's gonna be 15 minutes from my house and 20 minutes (TOPS) from the station on Wednesday. Brandon called just to make sure I was ok and to let me know he was praying for me. THANK YOU WYNNDE, BRANDON AND PEARSON!!! It really means a lot to me to know I have friends like you.

Well I have to stop now. I haven't been sleeping well lately... ok ever... but it's been worse lately with the move and job hunting and all... and I promised a few friends I would go to bed early tonight... SO MUCH FOR THAT! They're actually telling me THEY'RE going to bed before me!

WHOOPS!!!
- Stacey -

God And Saying Goodbye

Watching: Sweet Home Alabama
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You know those moments where God reminds you how precious life is... just how scared you can get... and show you what is truly important... all in a moment?

Today I was visiting my sister, Anisa along with her husband, Josh and my three beautiful nieces, Kendra, Emmalee & Joslynn.

I had been acting and feeling weird all day. But while we were just sitting there reading a book my heart started acting up again. But this time it affected my lungs... I really thought that maybe today was the day that I was going to die.

I began thinking about all the things that mattered to me. The things in my life that I say mean so much to me that in all reality.. I hardly give a second thought. I began thinking about the 'what ifs'. Like "what if I never see Emmalee turn 4"... "What if I never hear Joslynn say 'I love you, Aunt Stacey."... "What if I don't get to interrogate Kendra's first boyfriend."

But then I began thinking... I'm going to miss those things anyway. Because when I move to Tennessee finally... it's sort of like the Stacey from the middle of nowhere, Michigan will die. Because it's not like I'll be a few towns away. I'll be a few states away... a few... long... hours away. I wont get to see those girls all the time.

I'm really going to miss those three. But there are things you have to let go of when you have a dream like I have my whole life. I'm going to try to be a better Aunt to those girls... A better sister to my sisters... a better daughter... a better friend. Cause you just never know... cause no matter if I die tomorrow... or move to Tennessee... I'm going to have to say good-bye.

Amazing Stories: week 2

listening to: Jerry cutting into the groupnd to put in patio stones, mom & Jen being Mom & Jen, the pool filter, & the wind

reading: The Ishbane Conspiracy
**********************************************
Today was one of most powerful sermon's that I have ever experienced. We're in our 2nd of 5 week "Amazing Stories" Series. Last week was all about Isaac & Abraham and laying down the "Isaac" in our lives. This week the amazing story we focused on was Moses and the Red Sea. About how when we get to the moments in our lives when there's no way out... look to God and see the path he has created. It's there... it's just may be at the bottom of the sea.

After the sermon, Pastor Joel asked those of us who are in a 'no way out' point in our lives for an altar call. It was a really emoional time as the congregation watched our friends and family take their place at the stage. There was hardly an empty space along the front of the stage and not a dry eye in the sanctuary.

After a prayer for those who were dealing with thier "Red Sea" the service was dismissed and something called me up front to comfort a friend of mine. I didn't ask questions. I just hugged them and cried with them. They asked if they could talk to me. I of course agreed and we sat down. It took at lot for them to open up and let go of what was troubling them. I'm greatful that this person could confide in me. I only wish I knew how to help. I gave the only advice that I knew since I have never been in that situation. And I couldn't help but feel guilty.

I felt guilty for being as happy as I have been over the past few months. I felt guilty that things are going so well in my life. That things are falling into place when it comes to my moving to Tennessee.

Then as we cried together a little more and began to pray together. A "Miracle" happened... I have a certian friend that every time I'm having a bad day or something bad happens just happens to know or something. He's always there. We were praying and I heard the guitar into to one of his band's song playing on the PA. It was the first time I had ever heard him play at my church. I looked up, knowing people were thinking I was insane... most people think that anyway... and said something along the lines of "Now is no the time to be funny up there!" Leslie, my friend and I all laughed and I just had to call my friend whom was playing. I got his voicemail. But I had to let him know that he was not only there for me as I comforted a friend, but he was there for my friend who needed it and he didn't even know it.

This was the point in my blog where I was going to try to be all wise and junk by quoting "My Savior, My God" by: Aaron Shust. Teling you, my dear reading friend, that I was at one of the "Red Sea" moments in my life not 2 months ago... wait... it was... 2 months... today. well the last day of it anyway. God speaking to me telling me "You're not supposed to understand, you're supposed to just do as I tell you." and using the lines from that song that say "I am not skilled to understand what God has willed what God has planned." and reminding myself of that daily was my path through the Red Sea.

Anyway... now that I have done my daily rambeling... As I read the lyrics to the rest of Aaron's songs I found one more suiting. So I will just leave you to ponder this. And I hope it will help you to look to God and find your path through the Red Sea. In his song "More Wonderful" he says...

"When the world crashes down around me
I know You'll be there to pull me out from the rubble
When my enemy surrounds and I call on Your name
You'll be there to deliver me from my troubled soul"

amen.

Opening Up My Heart

Ok so there's no denying the fact that I have a really big crush on a friend of mine, AJ Cheek from the band Nevertheless. See the guys came in to the station for an interview and stuff before we all headed for lunch and then to a show in Muskegon. But we had a few 'visitors' before we left. Yeah . That's right... thanks to Sierra & Lemke there is no doubt in my mind that AJ knows that I like him.

So now I'm down to only 2 fears when it comes to AJ.... 1.. that he may not like me back... and 2... that he may think the only reason I like him is because of his band. If that were the case then I would have crush on every band I've met. Think about it. When I first met eleventyseven... Caleb was VERY single. But Caleb is sort of like my little brother. He likes to pick on me in every way possible and I pick back.

I had a crush on Jon Neufeld. I admit that. But that's behind me. I've been over Jon. Basically we stopped talking and my crushed slowly faded with it.

But there's something about AJ. Britanny (Nevertheless' drummer, Adam Rowe's girl friend) asked me on friday what it is about AJ that I like so much. I couldn't give her one thing. He has the most beautiful hazel eyes I've ever seen. His smile makes me giggle like a 13 year old who just discovered boys do NOT have cooties.

The way he teases me about bands that I don't like... one in particular is the most adorable thing I've ever seen. How he brushes his hair to the right side of his forehead every few minutes... His laugh... His enourmous heart... his accent... his southern charm... the list goes on. There's just something about him I just can't seem to shake.

Why I'm writing this in a blog I don't know. I should be telling him. I should have told him on Friday when he & I wer saying goodbye outside of the WaYfm Envoy and the Nevertheless Van. I should have hugged him tighter... held on a little longer... forget that... I just should have told him.

This is me... opening up my heart that I have kept locked up tightly for years. I am taking a risk that I'm not used to taking. I'm putting my heart out there for AJ to take for his own... since it is his already... or for him to turn and walk away.

Either way.... AJ... if you're reading this... I am willing to keep this as friendship only. I'd rather have your friendship than nothing at all. I just can't deny my heart any longer. I don't know if this is God's will or not. But if it is... who am I to hide under a rock and not allow his will to be done.

- Stacey -

There's a Wann growing out of my head!

Oh where to start....

Big Ticket was a blast and a half. I got to see one of my best friends, Wynnde. So that was super cool... Oh my sweet cookies! Did I seriously say 'super cool' *goes back and re-reads* I did... *hangs head in shame*

Well I got to visit with my friends, Brian & Katie from 3:16. I haven't seen them in a while. So I really geeked when I found out they were going to be there. Wynnde immediatly fell in love with thier music and thier merch table had a really good turn out. They did some really great songs from thier cd "At The Gate" and of course Katie and to go and point me out mentioning WaYfm... The show wasn't for me, Katie. hahaha

I got to see the guys from Story Side:B again also. Was really happy about that. Sadly I didn't get to try sushi like I was supposed to. :( Next time guys. I promise.

The one thing I am the most excited about though (No offense to 3:16 and Story Side:B - cause I saw them a lot more recently) is that I got to see my friends from Nevertheless. Can you believe it's been a year since I last saw them? We hung out quite a bit and a more laughs than should be allowed. For instance... ok there are 5 guys in the band... Joshua (lead vocals), Wann (Adam number Wann (yeah corney joke from Joshua - Wann plays the Bass), AJ (Lead guitar), Brad (Rhythmic guitar) & Rowe (Another Adam who plays drums)... anyway... We were all hang out at the merch table and I was leaning up against a post in the pavilion and Wann was also... I was like laying on it with my right shoulder and my arms wrapped around it for some reason. Wann had his right arm propped above my head (since he's a lot taller than I am) and then Wynnde gave me something to set down next to our stuff and when I turned I ran into Wann's arm. Only thing is when I moved so did his arm... he just left it pressed against my head and said that I tried to take it from him... All I could think of to say was "Wynnde! There's a Wann growing out of my head!"

That's one story of MANY... just know that the guys REALLY liked to tease me! Between Josh and Wynnde I have no idea who enjoyed teasing me more. But I think out of all of them I think Brad got me the best in one shot... Brad... I'll get you back for that one. hahahaha Let's just say that I got so embarassed that I took off running and hid... yeah I don't do that very often! But I probably deserved it.

Another is that Brad, Wann & Rowe wrote "AJ" on the back of AJ's neck so then Brad ended up with "Brad" on the back of his and then Wann got tagged with "A.W." But I saw AJ's first and then I pointed it out to Wynnde as he was walking away and as soon as she saw it we started laughing really hard and he gave us a look of "What'd I do?" So then we later had to explain why we were laughing. He obviously knew it was there. But it was just funny cause Wynnde made the comment of "Someone forgot his name and so they wrote it on his neck to keep track of who's who." hahaha

And with that I am going to get back to work cuase I'm at the Jessie Daniels show right now and I'm supposed to be signing people up for the WaYfm Street Squad and the WaYfm Music Crew. Now if only people would come out here and sign up... but hey she just started singing "The Noise" and I'm still not seeing anyone coming out so I'm assuming they're enjoying it. THAT'S GREAT NEWS!!!

- Stacey -














This is Josh














Introducing Adam Rowe














My buddy Adam Wann














That'd be Brad














Yep. That's AJ.

Girl Guts

"Raindrops" by: Armor For Sleep
*****************************
So I was at the WaYfm werbsite, http://www.way.fm tonight watching videos when one REALLY stuck out at me. It's a song I've known inside and out for a long time.. but I guess... like something else in my life... I never really let it 'grab a hold of me' until now.

Chad, Natalie's boyfiend and a good friend of mine has this thing he likes to tease us girls (Natalie, Wynnde, Leslie & I) about. He says we need to 'grow girl guts'. Since none of us... ok well... not Leslie... are really bad at being risk takers. This is something I'm sure you're WELL aware of by now that I have a problem with.

Well something really BIG is about to happen to me. No I'm not saying "Oo! I can predict the future!" Cause I can't. This is something I've known about and have been planning. Well the time is LITTERALLY moments away and I am on pins and needles so to speak.

I made the comment to Wynnde a little earlier about how I am both extremely excited and more nervous than I have ever been in my life. I truly mean that.

I don't know what God has planned. I don't know why this is happening. I wasn't even supposed to be there. But here I am... with the clock ticking down to this moment.

As I... ok lay here... in my room only lit by the screen from my monitor... my mind begins to wander to that moment. That first initial moment. What's going to happen? How will I react? What will be the outcome? All these questions and many senarios that poor Wynnde has had to endure over and over hearing about have been bouncing off the shell of my brain like a ping pong ball in mid play.

I can't sleep. When I do... it's restless and for short periods of time.

Forget focusing on one certain thing. My mind keeps drifting to this day... this hour.. this second...

I was asked yesterday by lead singer, Lu from Story Side: B if I was married becuase I wear 2 rings on the ring finger of my left hand and because I am so young.

I explained to him about the Claudaugh and that I wear it like that because my heart is taken by the man I am going to marry one day.. whomever he may be. I don't know if I have met him yet... but if I have... there's one man that I have my heart set on.

No. Not Jon. Or the guy I met a few months ago that I couldn't stop thinking about. This is a guy that I met a while ago. Someone who I fell for the day I met. But I suppressed it thinking that it could never be and that I needed to focus on what I had and other parts of my life.

These feelings have been building up this entire time. Every time his name was brought up. Everytime I heard something that reminded me of him. The feelings built up a little more. Only I didn't know it until I got over the whole Nick thing.

Now this is what I mean by 'girl guts'. I'm taking a risk of this man reading this and figuring out that it's him before the 'moment' arrives... or even after for that matter.

But since I've done so much rambling.. that I'm quite good at :) I will end now. Sorry for either boring you... or making you go completely crazy out of confusion.

- Stacey Ree -

The Emberlight

Last night I got a call from my good friend, Andy saying to get to to a show in GR... one small problem... The Emberlight went on in 45 minutes and it takes Leslie 30 minutes to get to my house and 40 minutes for me to get to GR.

But we made it for a least one song!

I promised I'd post some pictures so here ya go.

That's Andy in the green jacket - Jeff in the gray t-shirt

This is my good buddy, Scott who plays drums for The Emberlight... hahaha he ONLY referes to me as "WaYfm Stacey" cause of my Myspace name hahahaha

One of the girlfriends... my friend, Lauren (pictured with Jeff) & my new friend, Anna (pictured with Andy). HOW CUTE ARE THEY?!?

OH! and just so you know how crazy my family is...

Oh yes... Leslie and I are crazy ones! hahahaha. It's a classic family trait!
But Leslie does have her adorable moments
And no family photo blog would be complete with out one of the "adopted" cousins... I love ya Rachel!

Losing touch...

Listening to: "Weak" by: JoJo
************
You ever have one of those days where you just sit back and let everything sink in?

I'm having one of those days. I'm just sitting out on my porch listening to music... Surfing the web... Reading my book... And letting the things I've been avoiding become abundantly clear to me.

For instance... A friend of mine and I are drifting apart. We both have had the "is she mad at me?" talks with a mutual friend of ours. But it doesn't seem to help. I've asked if she's wanted to hang out. But I get the "I have to work." (Which I 100% understand)... Or something else... "I have to see what mom has planned." "I was gonna talk to my boyfriend." That sort of thing. It's always sad when two people lose touch... It's even worse when they're really close. I don't want to lose her friendship. It's been my support through more than I can explain. It's apparent that neither one of us wants to let this go... If we didn't we wouldn't care if the other was mad or not.

On another (more positive) note. I have a crush... I know surprise surprise. But this guy doesn't have a girlfriend he has failed to mention... He doesn't want to be... Um... "Friends"... He's actually someone I know cares about being my friend. In fact 2 of my good friends have mentioned me to him and they said he got all excited and made sure to send a hug or a "hello" and told them how he thought I was 'awesome'...

This is a guy that I've actually had a crush on since I met him almost a year ago. It was one of those "I like him but I'm going to fight it because of another guy" things. When I met him I had a boyfriend... That isn't healthy in ANY situation. Then that ended and I dated another guy.... So when that ended I thought "he has to have a girl friend... Someone like him couldn't be single."

Well much to my surprise... I let go of one crush... Then another one... Then this guy that I had been "fighting" had come back into my life... Even though he was never really "gone". I got a call from a friend of mine who had just talked to him he had to pass along the "hello" and such... Then I got ANOTHER call from another friend who had also just talked to him on another day... She wanted to let me know about seeing him and such... The crush was no longer something I could fight.

There are no boyfriends... No other crushes... Only him.

I don't know what I'm going to do if I get shot down again. I don't mean anything rash... I just mean I'm friends with this guy. I mean I don't want my crush on him to ruin our friendship. Not to mention I'm about to go see him again here in a bit and I don't want it to be all awkward... You know. But from what I hear about how he acts when I'm not around the possibilities of that are slim.

I'll let you know how it goes.

PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!
- Stacey -

Land of Evil Printers

Listening to: "Supersonic" by: Family Force 5
********************
Ok for those of you that like Family Force 5 you usually listen to them either cause you're in a good mood or to make you be in one right?

For those of you that don't listen to them... Give it time I WILL have you addicted! And if I don't... Natalie, Leslie or Wynnde will.... Either way... You cannot escape the love that is Family Force 5.

Anyway... So yeah you usually listen to them cause they're awesome and it makes you happy... Nope. Not me. Not right now. I'm literally listening to them to CHILL OUT! hahaha you don't listen to them to chill out. This is not 'chill out' music. But I am.

Why? Well in a nut shell.. WCSG is out to get me. I just know it! And everyone is using the WCSG printers as the main tool to making me finally take that last step of utter and complete insanity. I was literally yelling at one of them earlier. If that one wasn't printing my envelopes upside down then it was printing them on the BACK of the envelope. And it wouldn't print from the trays it was supposed to...

Heck no that would be WAY to easy. Nope instead I had to switch paper to envelopes literally with EVERY printing job. And then I was trying to print to another printer cause I have officially decided I hate the other one...

So then that one ate my stack of envelopes at once and then decided to print at the previous printer...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *Starts twitching and stuttering*

don't bother calling 9-1-1... She's beyond help!

SURPRISE!

Listening to: "Take Away" by: Mainstay
***********************
Hey look I'm updating! Be proud! hahaha

Ok so what is the greatest thing in the world to wake up to at 1:30am????

I'll give you a hint...

It has something to do with a friend named Wynnde calling you and saying "I have someone that wants to talk to you" and it turning out to be one of the greatest men in Christian Music... Andy Rosco from The Emberlight!

You figured it out yet? ;)

So yeah. The Emberlight is on tour right now in the Ohio area mostly so I haven't talked to Andy in a little while cause he's so busy. But yeah it was so good to hear from him. I miss him! Andy's the greatest! *thinking to herself* I wonder if he wore his green shoes... hmmm...

ok to bed I go... again... lol... night!
- Stacey -

Today is the day!

so I hope all of you went out and picked up your copies of "Eleventyseven And The Land Of Fake Beleive" and "Beauty In The Broken". Both were released today! *does a happy dance*

I've been waiting since November... *tries to recalculate in her mind*... oh I don't remember... whenever the Starfield cd was supposed to originally be out. The street date got pushed back so many times that I lost track. But it's been a while. And now it's out and everyone can share in the joy that is Starfield.

Not to mention. My dear friends, Eleventyseven have put out thier debut cd on flicker records as well.

my 2 favorite bands putting out a cd on the same day... what more could I ask for... Nat, Leslie, Chad & Wynnde... don't answer that. hahahaha

- Spaztic Monkey... or whatever my new nickname is today... hahaha *looks at Nat* PHONE BOOK! hahahahaha -

Indiana trip

Listening to: "Myspace" by: Eleventyseven
***************************
Ok so this was QUITE the weekend. For those of you reading that were there... you know what I mean.
First of all I need to mention that on the way down to Indiana Nat and I happened upon the RV Hall of Fame. Yeah cause apparently RVs need one. Explain that!


So yeah Eleventyseven has officially taken their rightful title as my favorite band. Yeah you read that right. They have surpassed the unbeatable... Starfield.

Being around Matt, Jonathan & Caleb this weekend has made me respect them in a whole new way. I see them in a different light now. No I don't mean the stage lighting was different... though it was... I have honestly become friends for life with them. They truly are 3 amazing guys.

I found this Ninja turtle a while back and when I saw it – it reminded me of Jonathan since he had a Ninja Turtles patch on his backpack when we met them. So I gave it to him… well you’ll see in a later blog the story behind this picture….

and of course... this one...

poor turtle! hahaha

Then Matt had to go and break my heart. No… not like I liked him or something… the guy has a girlfriend… trust me she’s beautiful! I’ve seen pictures. No he was being Matt and joking around. There was one thing he said that I just looked at Nat and wanted to cry. I guess I almost did cause Jonathan was like “oh my gosh you ARE going to cry!” and he, Matt & Caleb quickly tried to take the situation back. They redeem themselves in friendship well by the way.

I could go on and on about how wonderful they are but then you might want to throw up and for once I want to write a blog that doesn't take 4 hours to read.

But I do have to mention that Natalie & I got to hang out with the guys from Dizmas also along with our friend from Ohio, Wynnde and another friend of ours, Chad that made the LONG trip from Tennessee. Thanks SOOOO much to you both for that by the way! I love you guys!

Zach (who by the way… for being in a band as hard as they are he and his brother, Josh smile A LOT) from Dizmas was a blast and a half. I hung out with him almost as much as I hung out with EleventySeven... ALMOST. Sadly my cousin, Leslie who was supposed to join us on the adventure this weekend couldn't make it so she missed it. But it was made up for by the end of the night when I called her to inform her that all the guys signed a poster for her and Jon Howard even made sure to personalized it saying they missed her.... which all of Dizmas & Eleventyseven made sure to say numerous times throughout the evening....

Sorry side tracked... anyway... so yeah I called Leslie to tell her about the poster... I got her machine so she called to see how it went and wanted us to pass on a message to Zach for her and then... She told me to hand over the phone to him. So I did. And he walked away with it. hahahaha

She was in her glory.

Then Caleb took my phone to talk to her. Yeah... SUPER FUNNY!

Oh man and I wanted to make this a short one...

Oh and a duck hissed at me! hahahaha
As I close I only have one thing to say... "YOU'VE BEEN MULLETIZED!" hahahahaha

- Spaztic Monkey -

Hitting The Road

Listening to: “Car Underwater” by: Armor For Sleep
*********************
Well it’s 6:55am on Friday morning…. Yep it’s officially “D-Day”.

In roughly 2 hours Nat will be here to pick me up to make the trip down to South Bend, IN to go visit our friends, Eleventyseven, Wyndee and Nat’s boyfriend, Chad.

One thing’s for certain is that this will be an eventful weekend.

I’ve already promised to take lots of pictures. And I’m sure I’ll have PLENTY of stories. Hahahahahaha

So all that is left is to pack a few more things like my shampoo and stuff and then get some snacks for the road. OH! And of course a few more Number Fill-Ins and A Sudoku that my sister has been hiding from me.

I’ll be sure to post some pics and of course a blog… or 15 about this weekend here shortly.

Oh and I’m super happy to report that a friend that lives in Florida & I have been in touch… when we have time and I *crosses fingers* will be able to make a trip down there sometime this summer for a visit. That would be SO much fun! More on that in a later post…

Anyway… wish me luck… Nat’s driving today. ;) hahahahaha

To South Bend With You!
- Stacey -

So what ya gonna, gonna do...

Listening to: Third Day "Cry Out To Jesus" (It's on WCSG right now)
*******************
Ok so since my last blog A LOT has happened. I've been an emotional rollercoaster... VERY obvious to those whom... I'm sorry... have witnessed it and been on the "bad end" of it.

Sorry to you all. I know I haven't been the nicest or the happiest. I had a broken heart... but that's no excuse. But you'll all be happy to know that it's all been changed. Well... sort of... I no longer have a broken heart. But nor do I have my phone ringing off the hook or 100 e-mails to read each day simply because I was on his mind from the guy in my thoughts.

But I have recently come to understand that giving up hope is just not 'in the cards' for me as some people like to put it.

I was at work the other day when God began to talk to me. You know what I mean the kind of 'talking' when he just lets you know what you need to know by not using words. Well he did that. And let me tell you... when God has your undivided attention and has something to say... He can talk A LOT! and there was no mistaking that God was talking then.

I began to get sick to my stomach and since I was allowed to have a short break I went outside and began to pray. I didn't know what was going on and why God was telling me what he was... i just didn't understand. But then God spoke again. I suddenly got Aaron Shust "My Savior, My God" stuck in my head. But not all of it. In fact... all I know of the song is the chorus. But I had the first line of the song stuck in my head... when it says "I am not skilled to understand what God has willed What God has planned..." Something like that.

Yep... *Looks up to God* I hear you.

But then I was about ready to look up the phone number to Pine Rest when God spoke again. But this time.. I heard him. Not like God speaking in my heart and hearing it in my head. I litterally heard a voice. I guess God thought I just wasn't getting it... He told me "Stacey you once said you'd wait forever. So then this happens and you give up..." *shudders at remembering* then he went on "You're not supposed to understand. You're just supposed to do as I say."

*Stacey's eyes grow double the size*

Now tell me that was NOT God. If it wasn't then someone REALLY wise was talking and trust me... it was NOT anyone I worked with that day... (No I was not at the station that day). hahaha

All I did was open my heart and let God guide me and he told me exactly what I needed to know.

One more thing before your eyes can re-adjust... when I spoke to my friend Hannah about this she told me something I think I should share with you... "God takes away something that means a lot to us to bring us back to him."

Just let that simmer.

- Stacey -

Jane Austen Couldn't Even Help...

Ok so I got some news that I should have been expecting for a while now. So yes there is something wrong with me. No I don’t want to talk about it. Just know that yes I dealing with things. So please don’t ask anything about it and don’t say “oh such and such will cheer you up” It’s not working… Reading a book by favorite author, Jane Austen… Listening to my favorite bands, Starfield, Family Force 5, Neverending White Lights…. Trying to write something… it’s just not working. So please let me have my time and I’ll get over it. I don’t need anyone worrying about me or the situation. I’ve already been a bother to two of my friends… I don’t want to add you to that list… they shouldn’t even be on the list. Thanks in advance.

The Silver Lining

listening to: Rascal Flatts "What Hurts The Most"
-----------
Out of the hardest times God comes shining his light.

I've had a horrible day that started out fantastic. In a nut shell... they call it a crush for a reason.

I spent most of the night in tears... feeling sorry for myself. I locked myself in my room with a bag of microwave popcorn, a mug of hot tea and Jane Austen (My favorite author in case you didn't know that). Then i got the urge to check on something. My eyes, my head and my heart I have come to find out are cahoots and are out to drive me insane. I wanted so badly to get the answers i was looking for that I actually thought I saw todays date when I was just seeing things.

So I called Natalie in tears. surprise surprise. I was about to give up ALL hope until I surfed over to one of my favorite websites. http://www.starfieldonline.com - Yeah I know eyes are rolling and some of you are making the 'throwing up' motions. But before you get too out of hand... There was a new video up. So I watched it and began to feel a little better... but still confused.

So then I checked to see if there was a new journal. Yep. And from Jon nonetheless. As I read something caught my eye. Jon has a girlfriend now. He is happy. Her name is Jesse. They've been together for 6 months now and he's taking her home to Winnepeg to meet his family.

I know I know... I'm supposed to be over that. And I am... to an extent. I think I will always have a bit of a crush on Jon. But my feelings have changed. And I mean that honestly. They changed a while ago. Suddenly I found myself feeling better. Like maybe God was telling me "Stacey. Jon was not the one I wanted for you. You know that now and I want you to focus on me and what I want for you. I want you hope for things. But you need to learn to trust me. When you master this I will reward you."

God has brought this "crush" into my life for a reason. I'm not saying he's 'the one'... though that would be SWEET! But this morning my friend, Hannah asked me if things don't work out with this guy I like would I go back to the way I felt for Jon. And I answered honestly. I told her that I think I will always have a thing for him but that once I start to fall I'll remember that I never had a chance and then he'll be pushed to the back of my mind again. I know.. it's happened. There are 2 other guys besides Jon in my past that I will never fully get over. But the more I thought about it. I noticed that when I liked let's call him "#1" (since they may read this since I'm still friends with the both of them) it was strong and... well... a childhood crush... then I met "#2" and "#1" became less desireable in my eyes though I never fully could let go.

Then Jon came along. I had nearly forgot about both of the other 2. But never fully. They were always there still... just waiting to resurface just long enough for me to remember why I had 'moved on'. Now... I have met this man. And almost instantly Jon joined the other guys in the dark corners of my mind. My head and my heart have been filled with nothing but images and dreams... hopes... hurt... since I met him.

Not even when "#2" just happened to 'pop up' out of the blue the other day did this man leave my mind. I'm not sure what God is asking of me. Why this man has come into my life. All I know... is he has. And he's worth the risk 1,000 times over.

You never know until you try. Right?

I think it's time...

Ok now I’m about to do something COMPLETELY out of character. But it’s gone one FAR too long and I’ve been ‘passive’ about it for longer than I should have. I guess I’m just not as strong as she is…

To the one person who insists that he has moved on and is showing no TRUE signs… YOU BROKE UP WITH HER! MOVE ON! Just let it go and quit blaming me for the way you treated her! I never once told her what she could and couldn’t do. I never once made her feel guilty for spending time with someone other than me. I never started fights with her because she wanted to do something with her life that didn’t involve me.

I want you to know that she is happier than I have EVER seen when she was with you. So leave us both alone. Now we both appreciate that you have been leaving her alone. But when she said “Me, My friends and My family… that included me nimrod!”

So the comment you posted the other day has been deleted because I prefer to never have any contact with you ever again. You not only treated her like she was nothing… but it was almost like you tried to convince her that all of her friends and family were the worlds worst… everything… So that YOU would look better in her eyes.

And the most important thing I need to say… I’ve been praying for you. Yes I said that right. So has she. The bible reads “You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

It’s in Matthew 5: 43 – 48. Look it up. Don’t preach what you don’t know. I may not be the best of Christians… but a struggling Christian… and an active one at that… is far better than one who you wouldn’t even know believes. I will continue to pray for you wether you like it or not... God said it. I beleive it. That settles it.

Humble Jobs

Today while at my 2nd job that I don’t really enjoy… It was brought to my attention why God put me there. I’m sure you by now are familiar with the saying “There’s a reason for everything.” Well there is. No the reason I have that job is not to pay the bills – though always a plus. It’s to make me humble. To remind me that not everyone loves what they do. I didn’t realize how ‘out of touch’ with myself and God I have become. Which in itself is crazy since at the radio station I literally work for the guy. It’s so easy to get ‘caught up’ in the smiles you can give others and miss the real reason they are smiling. I never thought I’d say it… Thank you, Lord… For this humbling job. And for slim jims when my keys get locked in my car – more on that later.

My Brithday...

Tonight was quite an interesting evening. I went out to dinner with my mom...

my sister & her husband...

And Natalie... OF COURSE....

We went to dinner at Shang Hai Ichiban. VERY good food! If you get the chance... go! You have the option of sitting in the chinese side or the japanese side... The japanese side is when you get the show of the Habatchi style. I even caught a piece of shrimp when the chef guy flung it at me... ok so he flung 2 and the first bounced off my nose and hit my right ear... but I caught the second!!! :)

We had a blast and a half as you can tell...

At one point during the night Natalie asked me if I got what I wanted for my brithday. Well.. in all honesty... yes and no.

I wanted to go to Ichiban... I did.

I wanted a certain cd... she looked into it already but the availability of it is slim to zip. Yeah it's REALLY hard to find.

The only other thing I wanted is something between myself and God. That's something only he can give.... I have not received it yet... But I'm praying for it. :)

Hey 2 out of 3... sort of... cause Nat couldn't get the cd... isn't bad right?

Anyway... I leave you with more pictures. :)



oh and no I don't drink... drinking is bad for you. That was like a juice I think. There was no carbonation or anything so it couldn't have been pop. It really honestly tasted like juice.

Sad Birthday...

ok so I know that today is supposed to be one of the happiest days of the year for me... but after the night I had last night... I think I need to blog about something a little sad...

I spent most of the night in tears alone. Natalie, Leslie & my mom were a huge help in calming me down and making me feel better. But all in all the feelings were still there. I just have to face the fact that sometimes you just have a bad day.

So on that note I thought I'd share the lyrics to a song I came across last night by one of my favorite bands, Nevertheless. (Yes they really spell it all smushed together like that) The song as sad as the first 3/4 of it are it really helped my mood. So I encourage you to listen to this song and/or re-read the lyrics when you have a night like I did. Check back later beacause if today is better than last night I will be sure to update.

Once again you compramised
There's no life in your hopeless eyes
But it's just like yesterday
If you listen to what they say

And you feel hopeless
And you feel lost
And you feel hopeless
And you feel lost

And you're tired of playing the fool
All your tears could form a pool
Of heartbreak and hopelessness
You heed this life, life over rest

And you feel hopeless
And you feel lost
And you feel hopeless
And you feel lost

Open your eyes dear friend
See that this is not the end
cause there's a man before you lived
With a love and power to forgive

- "Sincerely" by: Nevertheless -

Then Life Throws You A Curveball

So imagine this...

You meet someone... Someone you just can't get off your mind as much as you try. This person gives you hope that someone could really care about you as a man and a woman should. But then you get scared when you realize you just met this person.

You go out with your best friend just because you can and feel the need to stop off at Starbucks and just chat. As you leave you suddenly notice that you're getting 'looks' from 2 good looking people in a nice car.

You laugh with your best friend as you think about this person you just met. Then all of a sudden you notice who the 'looker' was. It was that person you've been crushing on for the past 13 years. What do you do?

What goes through your mind?

You walk over and introduce your best friend and your co-worker who just came out of one of the nearby shops. You 'catch up'. Then they say something along the lines of 'give me a call. We should get together.'

You give them a hug good-bye and walk back to your car dumbfounded. You can't beleive that after all these years they are FINALLY showing some interest.

You take the opportunity to have a chance with this person... or do you??? Is this a test? This is the point when you need to ask yourself what God is telling you. Then the person you just met and can't seem to forget about creeps back into your mind.

Now more dumbfounded then ever you ask your best friend. "I've liked this person for 13 years now. NOW they start to show interest... So why am I still thinking about the one I just met?"

What do you do?

better than just a friend...

A while ago Natalie and I had quite the falling out... as many of you know. All I have to say is that it had something to do with another one of my best friends, Corey & I... and a lot of rumors. I vowed I would never trust her again for the things she had said and the way she had betrayed me.

Then after some time something was brought to my attention... something I overlooked. Something I think subconciously I was ignoring. I was given a lot of false information. It turned out she was looking at it from the same perspective around the same time. We forgave each other but I could already tell that our friendship would always have this... hole... It would never be complete... never be the same as it was before.

I knew we would always be leerey with what we let each other know.

It just came to my attention that without that "falling out" we would have never become the friends we are today. That "hole" has been filled... with God. I was right on the aspect of our friendship would never be the same... we are BETTER friends. Our friendship isn't based on similarities or taste in guys... anyone who knows us knows how much we disagree on those things... it's not our style in clothes... she's punk... I'm... not. It's not about the secrets... Our lives are more along the lines of 'what you see is what you get'. In fact... if you ask us what we're laughing about... We'll tell you. We might feel like idiots when we do. But we're not afraid to talk.

Trust me... we talk... A LOT! We laugh... A LOT! So much so that we have to remind ourselves to stop. :)

Our friendship is based on our relationship with God. We are each other's support. We attend church together on a regular basis. We remind each other if one of us forgets to pray at each meal or even throughout the day during random moments. And when one of us is praying... the other sits quietly and just allows the other to have thier moment with God.

We cry together. When we freak out cause the phone FINALLY rang. We rejoice together. And I mean the high pitched squeals... lots of hugging... kind of rejoicing. We never let each other forget what God has brought into our lives. There's no room for negative thoughts or doubt in our friendship. We just wont allow it. We encourage each other's dreams. We even do what we can to help each other pursue those dreams. As long as we beleive it's what God wants we make sure it happens and puts a smile on each other's face... which in turns makes the other one smile.

We always make sure that God is a part of everything we do. And if we mess up and he's not... we make sure to pause and find out how to turn it around so he is.

In fact. I've had a rough past few days... So today before I head to the station to cover the front desk... Nat is taking me to Family Christian. Just becasue she knows putting me in that store uplifts my spirits.

But the one thing I love most about us... besides the "God bridges the gap" dealie is... that we can be idiots around each other and know that the other one isn't going to think we really are... in fact... they'll be one right back. We just know when we can be idiots and then when it's time to supportive and silent.

Thanks Nat for being there for me! I love you little one!

Oh.. and STOP CRYING!!! lol

- Stacey -

Decoding Easter

Decoding Easter.

That was the subject of our sermon today at the church Nat & I attend on a regular basis. It, however, felt odd being the first time in my entire life not attending the Easter service at the church I grew up in. I wish I had been able to see my family. But I got to see them yesterday. I do not regret going to my new church. I am so glad that I had one of my absolute best friends at my side.

The pastor said so many things that I could talk about the sermon forever. But you just may get your "Stacey's talking again" fill for the next 2 years in one shot.

So just know this...

he told us that faith is like a parachute. There is a difference between believing and being convinced. When you go sky diving you BELIEVE that your parachute will open... BUT you haven't jumped out of the plane yet.

He told us that we need to take Easter with us everyday. That we can't let Easter be a "calendar" holiday. That the Easter story is with us in moments of temptation... In deaths... In births... And beyond.

We were reminded today that Easter started long before Jesus died on the cross and was resurrected. Easter started with the beginning of time.

See there was a gentleman painting a beautiful landscape throughout the service. Then the pastor took handfuls of black paint and created a streak diagonally across the painting. But as the service went on the painting progressed.

God took the destruction of our "blackened hands" upon the Garden of Eden (the landscape painting) and created something beautiful. He created a path for us. A path back to him. Jesus and the cross each and every one of us crucified him upon. Just because we weren't alive at that time doesn't mean that we didn't have a hand in his crucifixion. Because each and every time we sin we crucify him one more time.

Jesus died to save us all from sin. Not just those that witnessed his death. Not just those that threw stones. Each sin is one more stone.

I leave you with one last thought... The one thing he said that stuck out to me the most was "Rescue always comes in packages we never expect." For Christianity it was the package in the form a baby"

What is that package for you? It might be a bass player... It maybe a child of your own turning 1 year old... It may be niece... Or it may be and opportunity to work side by side with someone during a lighting set up at a show for one of your favorite bands.

Until next time..

And God said... Stacey I love you!

So much has happened to me in the past 48 hours that I can't put it all in one blog.

There just isn't enough time... and you'd probably get tired of reading... So I thought about summing it all up or posting it across a few days in a few different blogs...

I didn't like either...

Just know that all is well. I am no longer taking care of 'minor details' that people ask me about on a daily basis... and right at this moment. My stomach is in knots and I'm shaking.

No not because Nick & Travis made me do hard labor and lift heavy lights... It's a whole nother issue.

If I haven't lost you yet... YOU'VE GOT MAIL!

- Stacey -

answered prayers

Yes I said it... answered prayers. Last night God answered MANY of my prayers. Last night it became very apparent to my last night that I'm not truly happy. It honestly feel like Natalie all over again... only with me!

Nat, Leslie & I worked the road crew last night for the latest Kutless tour. Now don't ask me the name of the tour... I don't like Kutless so I honestly can't tell ya. But we had a blast and a half as you can tell.... We met a lot of really great people... 3 in particular... Nick, Travis & Chad. Chad worked the monitor board while Travis & Nick held down the lighting. We (the girls and I) worked side by side with Travis & Nick... I'd say... 70% of the night. The rest was us doing set changes and watching some of the show.

But anyway... yeah we had a lot of fun. All 3 guys kept joking around on us. Travis I think liked picking on us the most! hahaha He kept telling us we were "going to slow" or "hey what are you doing? That doesn't go there!" And then Chad told me as we were unloading the equipment from the truck that he was gonna stuff me in one of the drape bags and take me with them! hahaha

Nick was the most funny like when it came directed towards me. The girls... and the other girls we met were folding up the drapes to get them ready for thier "dramtic fall" and were laughing cause I wasn't strong enough cause one weight a whole lot more than me and I could hardly move it. So Nick came around the corner and goes "I hear a whole lot of laughing and not a whole lot of working!" and then just prior to the that as we were pulling out the drapes to fold them I was laughing about Chad's "take me with them" comment and Nick said something like "Yeah until you started talking"

All of the girls and Nick started laughing. I acted like I was pouting and stuff. But it was really funny. I told him I was gonna blog about it so I'd never forget it. I DID NICK! hahahaha

So yeah I'm trying to keep it short. I just wanted you to know how much fun we had and show some pics. Nat took more pics. We're just waiting for them to be developed. I LOVE MY DIGITAL!

Life... Death... And God's plan...

listening to : "The Grace" by: Neverendig White Lights
-----------------
Being so happy for someone can do two things to a heart... It can build up excitement of what might happen to you... Or it can break it in a million tiny sharp edged pieces....

I'm in the midst of both. I'm ecstatic for Natalie. I am. I see how happy she is and how happy I could be... Which of course makes me feel horrible because I have to decide how to make myself as happy as she is. But on the other hand it gets me all giddy knowing that she wants the same for me and would go out of her way to make sure I am. It's nothing against her... It's just this heart of mine.... It can't agree with my head half of the time. And when I think they do agree... Something happens and all I want to do is scream... Hide in my room and cry.

This stinks! But I can't really say that this is a horrible day... Natalie got some good news... And then from the same person... So did I.... At least I think it was good... I hope it was good... Just recently sat down with Nat and we really tried to just listen to God. I play this game sometimes where I open the bible and say a verse number... I just like to see what God is saying right at that moment. Well last night Nat joined in on the 'fun.'

A few verses spoke to us and others meant absolutely no sense when you just read the one verse by it's self. So we'd laugh and try again.

Well tonight I just got the urge to try once more...

Psalm 143:8 reads:

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I life up my soul."

Yep. Pretty powerful when you're trying to figure out what God has in store for you... You know so you don't mess up and take the wrong path.

But then it got me thinking... My mom said once "God let's you make your mistakes and keeps opening up a new path branched off of that mistake. He keeps holding out hope that one day you'll see that path and realize you should have been on that one all along."

I don't think she realizes just how much some of the things she says really stick with me. Like when Matt died... She told me "God loves us all very much and some of us he just can't take being apart from anymore. Matt was one of those people." Yeah... I was 12 years old. So to hear something like that... That's something I could have taken one of two ways... I could have thought "Well at least I know he's with God." Or I could have gone the other way and thought "Well then why am I still here? Doesn't God love me too?"

It's not that God doesn't love us... It's just that God isn't finished with us yet. Matt completed what God sent him to do. And I honestly believe that I was part of that. I know I wouldn't be the Christian I am today if I had never known Matt. Matt opened a lot of doors to me. He opened my eyes.... And my heart... Just by being my friend.

In times like this... When I am having a hard time coming to reality that this may be what God wants... I remember Matt and what my mom told me.

Matt was just on loan out... He was and always will be my guardian Angel.

I miss you Matt and I need your help.

- Stacey -

Taking a risk...

Well as of 8:28 pm I have not told Jon anything. However, earlier Natalie and I made a deal. She is trying to help me to be more of a 'risk taker' and she sat with me while I wrote out my first draft of what I want to say.

It was truly heart felt and competely honest. This is just another step in the direction of becoming the type of person who does take risks. As I write this I am starting to 'cool down.' My heart is racing. And for the first time I am litterally warm. Me. Yeah. Crazy I know.

But I pray that with a little encouragement (not that I need anymore) and God's loving hand... that I may have enough courage to follow through with this. I'm really scared. I'm not used to taking chances. I'm not used to 'putting myself out there.' Taking risks has never been a part of who I am. Playing in mud... running around in the rain... getting dirt under my nails (even though it gets dug out quickly afterwards) sure... but never anything like this. That's nothing. I grew up a tomboy. I didn't grow up to be like my mom.

Mom isn't someone who's afraid of a lot of things. I'm emotional... I hate that about myself. But I have learned that will never change. But I'm taking baby steps. This is just one more.

Thank you for all of your support. I want so bad to take this chance. I want to not be afraid anymore.

- Stacey -

Perfection - Not My Thing

I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes. I've done things in my past. Bad things. Things that I wish to not talk about. Things I can't take back. But I can learn from them. I can face them. I can grow from them. And best of all... I can help other's learn from them.

One thing is that today I bought a ring. I know big deal. But it's what the ring represents. Inscribed on the ring are the words "True Love Waits." Yep it's one of 'those' rings. I've wanted a "True Love Waits" ring for quite some time. So from today at this exact moment until the day I wed. I will wear this ring on my ring finger on my left hand.

I haven't realized how the choices I've made have made me fall away from God. At this moment I have decided that I need to rededicate my life to him. I need to get rid of those distractions. I need to focus on the one thing that matters most... God.

It has become abundantly apparent to me by a certain family (you know who you are) that I am a role model - especially to one certain girl. She looks up to me so much that she even wants to take my job from me. :) I must have trained you well young one. ;) hahaha

I don't want her to make the same mistakes. I don't want Kendra, Emmalee, Joslynn or anyone else for that matter to make those same mistakes.

That's why I am writing this. To come clean with my past and to let them know I'm not perfect. I don't want to be false and tell you that you should live a certain way & to live your life for God, when I can't even do it myself. So for you, for God, for myself, I am taking a stand and changing those things about myself. From this moment on I will try to be the role model you see me as.

And with that... I am also making strides toward telling... *takes a deep breath out of fear* JON NEUFELD... *sighs knowing that just saying his name was a HUGE step since he might read this one day*. There. I said his name. No longer will Jon be "him" in my blog. No longer will he remain nameless. Because Jon is somebody. He's that 'Somebody' that all of my friends know I have feelings for. He's that 'Somebody' that I get nervous when I see I get an e-mail from or look into his eyes.

And too all of you who are saying something along the lines of "FINALLY!" - You have Hannah, Natalie & Caleb to thank for that one.

OH! One more thing... I've decided to start adding the country to pray for courtesy of Mission Network News... today oddly enough is El Salvador. If you HONESTLY care to know why this freaks me out... contact me. If not... you probably would get bored or roll your eyes anyway. hahaha But seriously please pray for El Salvador today until the 8th.

- Stacey -

dreams....

So last night I had a dream about the infamous "him." I don't remember the dream. All I can remember is that Natalie and her "him" were there. I don't remember what they were doing or anything. But that they were there. I remember that "He" was defending me. We were in the hallway in a building... could have been a school, house, church... but I was cowering behind him as he stood up to this person or thing.. not sure what 'it' was. I remember feeling more afraid of what this 'thing' would do to him than to myself.

I talked to Nat about this dream and her reply... "maybe it was him defending you from the devil or something.and it's a sign that he'll save you from something" Only she used his real name of course.

Now I know most of you know EXACTLY who I am talking about. But I fear that one day 'he' will happen upon this blog... this post... and be afraid of me. I am going to tell him how I feel. I'm just not sure of how or when... I need God's help with it.

And yes I know about the minor technicalities at hand... but I'm working on those as well. All I can do right now is pray.

- Stacey -

God Speaks

Ok so today at church the pastor was talking about "Monsters." No I don't mean the like "Oh I'm scared of that noise in the closet" kind of Monster. I mean the "I'm afraid of the what if" kind of Monster. So it got me thinking. Why am I so afraid? He said "Fears are broken truths from a broken world." Why am I so afraid to open up? Why can't I just say what I feel?

Because I'm too afraid to open up where it really matters I thought maybe I should make baby steps and start out by saying some of that here. So here goes....

I am so afraid to actually follow through on the advice I give others on a daily basis. I'm afraid to open up and tell "him" I like him. I'm afraid to take a chance. I'm afraid of what might happen, what he might say, how he might react.

Forget snakes, spiders, & clowns... I am so afraid of him in general. Since I met him all I've been thinking is "what if." "What if he rejects me?" "What if I get let down?" "What if he doesn't even really notice me?"

But then I thought... why do I have these thoughts? Why is he on my mind? I have a boyfriend. One who loves me. Luke 1:37 states "For nothing is impossible with God." If the bible says it. And I truly beleive... why can't I trust God to take me through this and guide me on the right path?

Then the pastor said a couple things that truly hit home. He asked the congregation "Are you going to be able to your storms how big God is and not how big your storms are?" "What is the monster in your life these days? What are you afraid of popping up and attacking you?" "Imagine your worst fears coming true and what they would do to your life."

He is my fear. My one true... honest... Monster in my closet... stomach turning... heat pounding... i'm gonna be sick... fear.

Alright. I'm done. I promise.

- Stacey -

Last Night.

Ok if you don't understand what I'm saying it's cause I'm REALLY tired! Last night was the Superchic[k], KJ-52, Eleventy Seven & Seventh Day Slumber show at the Ground Floor the evening was a riot and a half as you can tell...

As you can tell... Yep! FUUUUUUN Night! With a little help from my new friends, Eleventy Seven (Jonathan attacking me & laughing, Matt doing a funny face, and Caleb rubbing my head) and all of the wonderful WaYfm listeners that came out to the show!

This was by far one of the best shows I've ever been to! If you were there I hope you had even a portion of the fun I had! Allswell in the land of FAKE beleive! hahahaha SAVE THE UNICORNS! If you want to understand what I just said... go to http://www.eleventysevenrock.com

I'm going back to bed

- Stacey -